Myths about Battered Women

What is a battered woman?  Most people conjure up the image of a small, fragile, haggard person who might once have been pretty.  She has several small children, no job skills, is economically dependent on her husband, poor, and a minority.  She is accustomed to living in violence, and is fearful and passive.

In truth, most battered women are from middle class and upper-income homes.  Many are large women who could defend themselves from physical attacks.  While some are jobless, many more are competent professionals – lawyers, doctors, corporate executives, journalists, even psychologists and psychiatrists.  Who are these battered women?  If you are a woman, there is a 50% chance it could be you.

The hundreds of women interviewed for this book represent all races, religions, educational levels, cultures and socioeconomic groups and range in age from 17 to 76.  Their abusive relationships lasted anywhere from 2 months to 53 years in which case the batterer died from natural causes.  Their opinions shatter the following myths.

Myth 1 – Battered women are a small percentage of the overall population.

Like rape, the battering of American women is a seriously under reported crime because it occurs at night behind closed doors in the sanctuary of the home, and often without witnesses.  Research shows that physical assault occurs in 28% of all American families, evidence that battering is a widespread problem.

Myth 2 – Battered women are masochistic.

The prevailing belief has always been that only women who “like it” and deserved it were battered; that is that these women experienced some pleasure, often akin to sexual pleasure, through being beaten by the men they love.  Because this is such a prevailing stereotype, many battered women begin to wonder if they indeed are masochistic.

Myth 3 – Battered women are crazy.

This myth places the blame for battering on the women’s negative personality characteristics.  In truth, battered women’s survival behaviors often lead unenlightened mental healthy workers to misdiagnose them as crazy.

Myth 4 – Middle class women are not battered as frequently or as violently as poorer women.

Women from lower socioeconomic classes are more likely to come in contact with community agencies, so their problems are more visible.  Middle and upper class women often fear disclosure will result in social embarrassment and harm to their own or their husband’s career, or that people won’t believe them.  This is often true when the husband is held in high esteem in the community.

Myth 5 – Minority women are battered more frequently than whites.

Studies show that battering crosses all ethnic lines, with no one group suffering more than others.

Myth 6 – Religious beliefs prevent battering.

Most of the women in our study held religious beliefs.  Some told stories in which their religious leaders suggested they pray for guidance, become better women and go home and “help their husbands become more spiritual”, others were fortunate to have humane religious advisors who understood their problems and helped them break out of their disastrous relationships.

Myth 7 – Battered women are uneducated and have few job skills.

The education level of women in our study ranged from fifth grade through completion of professional and doctoral degrees.  Many successful career women were willing to give up their careers if it would eliminate battering.  Most had already tried to change jobs or stayed home to ease the situation, but saw no effect on their husbands’ behavior.

Myth 8 – Batterers are unsuccessful and lack resources to cope with the world.

It’s been suggested that men who feel less capable than women resort to violence.  Contrary to findings were reported in England, where the highest incidence of wife beating was among physicians, service professionals, and police.  Affluent batterers include attorneys, professors, and salesmen.  Many of these men donate a great deal of time to community activities, and could not maintain their involvement in these projects without the support of their wives.

Myth 9 – Drinking causes battering behavior.

More than half the battered women in our study indicated a relationship between alcohol use and battering.  The most violence physical abuse was suffered by women whose men consistently drank.  Upon further questioning however, it became clear that their mates beat them whether or not they had been drinking.

Myth 10 – Batterers are psychopathic personalities.

If batterers could be considered antisocial or psychopathic personalities, individual therapy could be used to differentiate batterers from normal men.  Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.  The batterers in my research had many kinds of personality disturbances.  However, the one trait they share is the extraordinary ability to use charm as a manipulative technique.  A batterer has a “Dr. Jekyll and My. Hyde” personality, and can swing from one to the other with the smoothness of a con artist.

Myth 11 – The police can protect battered women.

Only 10% of the women in our study even called the police.  Of those who did, most stated that police officers were ineffective.  When the police left, the men continued the assault with added vigor.

Myth 12 – Batterers are violence in all their relationships.

Based on our study, only about 20% of the men who batter women are violent to anyone who gets in their way.  Most men who batter their wives are generally not violent in other aspects of their lives.

Myth 13 – The batterer is not a loving partner.

Batterers are often described by their victims during the “honeymoon” stage of the cycle as fun-loving little boys, playful, attentive, sensitive, exciting, and affectionate.  The cycle of abuse explains how the batterers loving behavior keeps these women hanging on in hope.

Myth 14 – A wife batterer also beats his children.

About one third of batterers in our sample also beat their children, and were suspected of incestuous sexual behavior toward daughters.  In another third of the cases, battered women beat their children.  The final third of children in our study were not physically abused, but suffered emotionally from witnessing violence between parents.

Myth 15 – Once a battered woman, always a battered woman.

Though several women in the study had a series of violence relationships, most had learned to recognize the telltale signs of abuse and were extremely cautious about whom they dated or became involved with.  Women who received beneficial intervention rarely married another batterer.

Myth 16 – Once a batterer, always a batterer.

Batterers can be taught to change their aggressive responses.  However, very few batterers are willing to get help.

Myth 17 – Long-standing battering relationships can change for the better.

Relationships what have rested on the man having power over the woman are stubbornly resistant to an equal power-sharing arrangement.  Even with the best help, such relationships usually do not become battering-free.  At best, violent assaults are reduced in frequency and severity.

Myth 18 – Battered women deserve to get battered.

Research shows that batterers lose self-control because of their own internal reasons, not because of what the women did or did not do.

Myth 19 – Battered women can always leave home.

Without professional intervention and counseling, many battered women have no place to go and no means of survival outside the framework of their marriage.  They may also have small children to care for, whom they would not want to leave home with the father.  Because battering weakens a woman’s self-esteem, she may feel she is incapable of managing on her own.

Myth 20 – Batterers will cease their violence “when we get married”.

Marriage does not end the battering found in a premarital relationship.  On the contrary, the batterer’s suspiciousness, possessiveness, and violence tend to increase after the marriage vows.

Myth 21 – Children need their father, even if he is violent.

While there is no doubt that the ideal family includes a mother and a father in our study, children with abusive fathers unanimously agreed that they preferred being raised by their mothers to have a dual-parent home environment.